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Subject:I hate hurting!
Time:11:55 am
Current Mood:highhigh
Well let's see. Yesterday I spent most of my time out of the office at work because I had to go and meet with my squadron and get yelled at for about 3 hours... then I had to go to physical therapy and then back to my squadron... And in the end they want to send me back there early, and if not early they don't want to give me the time extra time at security forces to heal. So pretty much at this point, I'm just like whatever... Especially because I was told by the ramp foreman that he's been approached by airman who say that they think i am just milking it because i want to get out of work or whatever... That's about the biggest bull shit I have heard. Excuse me, but seriously. I really want to know who has seen me around jumping all over the place ans shit... Especially since from the time I get home until the time I go to bed I am with John. And he can tell you just how much I do... NothinG!!!! How many times I come home after work and just lay on the bed because I hurt so bad... So maybe they see me at the store, but they are not in my shoes, so do they know how much I truly do hurt? You know I tend to try and hide how much I hurt, even from John sometimes.... but he knows how to read me better then anyone else. He can tell from the sound in my voice, or the way i open the door. And all these people who i do NOT talk to on day to day basis are going to say what they think? When did you get a medical degree? They are probably the ones who don't know that sometimes my body just gives way and I fall. And if it weren't for John being there I'd end up on the ground more times then not. Anyways... so yet again I lay here so much pain. I'm so tired of hurting. It's been almost 3 monthes and no one has been able to provide any relief for my back. Everyone I go to see just says it's a muscle spasm... Well, if it's just a muscle spasm why is it taking so long to heal? And swhy is it that just about every single night I end up in tears because I hurt so bad. Why is it that there are times when my back just completely gives way and I can't walk? I hurt so bad right now... I don't even want to move...In fact I know that it's going to be a while before I do... like sometime late tomorrow morning/afternoon... I hate hurting so much!!! And what's vene worse is being in all the pain and not having the one person who knows how to help me here... the one person who will make sure that I'm okay and get the treatment I need... So for all the people who want to say I'm faking it, you can come have my back pain for a day, then tell me again that I'm faking it and not in so much pain. True some days are better then others, as with anyone who has back pain, but is there ever a time when I don't hurt? NoPe... And for once I just want relief. AT least some relief... If the pain level could go down to like a 5 then I'd be okay... I'd hurt, but it would be something I could bare with... Anyways, I need some sleep and I just took my medicine and I'm feeling like I'm on cloud nine. Off in my own little world... it's like weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! LOL!
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Subject:sLeEp...i WiSh...
Time:02:21 am
Current Mood:sleepysleepy
So I sit here... and I can not sleep. My back is hurting times a billion and thats whats mostly keeping me awake... And I don't feel good... GrRrRr!

In other news John is in Florida right now. He comes home soon! Yay! I miss him! I just want someone here to hold me and stuff... And someone to take care of me when I don't feel good... like now! LOL!

Oh, and John has a stalker... LOL! On myspace. It was funny shit. She was talking about how she wanted us to break up so she could have him and everything... Only this chik is psycho... She even put a picture of me up there and tried to say ot was her, then took a picture off my page and put that up there, and put up John's picture too... How weird is that? But, tio made for some interesting things though none the less!

Things are still looking up...and I must say I like it when things are like this.

Got my hair dyed today... the lady fucked it up so i had to redo it myself... It's looking better though... And it's back to brown... Something different for summer. what can I say? Except I'm never going there again!!! EVER!!!!

I've been going out a lot lately... go figure... with my Miss Notorious Noe... So much fun! I love it. Although john doesnt really like it all that much. I can kinda see why.... He's gone and people don't want to leave his girlfriend alone. But at least its showing him he's lucky to have me... maybe....

I guess thats about it for now....

Laterz all!
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Subject:It's oficial now....
Time:09:09 am
Okay... so it's official now... me and John are actually official! And right now things are going good for the most part. I eman there are still some things that need to b worked on, but we are getting there....

Basically I just need to trust him again, but after being cheated on four times it's rather hard... But for the most aprt we are gettign better, and I am starting to trust him more and more.... And for once he is starting to come up with little things to do for me all on his own. Like yesterday he was the first one to text me, and he decided let's go to san francisco last night.... And Sunday night we went out to go see UNited 93... awesome movie by the way...

But anyways, last gnith was really enjoyable... I definately had an awesoem time. First we went to Scandia and went to play put put golf and then he decied let's go to Frisco.... So we did adn we went down Lumbard street, which was awesome! Never been down that street before! And then we randomly stopped and did some walking around... and ended up getting this shirt for Kelting. So now when Kelting comes back he has an official aprty shirt that we got for him. Oh it's great!!!! LOL!

I'm on Bay Ho for this whole week.... I can't complain because look at what I am doing... NOTHING!!! Ha ha ha! She just told me to go report in in about an hour or so and she'll give me keys and all that...

But I guess taht's about it... Things are looging good for us!!!! That's definately a plus! Anyways, I shall get going.... LaTeRs!
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Subject:Where to go from here?
Time:04:42 pm
Current Mood:discontentdiscontent
OKay....so as I sit here thinking... wondering just what to do.... I juts got off the phone with my sister and she asked me why I am always turning arund going back to the one person who is always busy snapoping with me and being a total and complete asshole to me.... And so now I shit here and think about it... Why? Well the one reasont hat i come up with is because he is the one who shows so much interest in me that I actually have feelings for.... but at the same time it's this whole big issue like we're together,but we're not...And I've never done anything like that... I'm not into the whole open relationship thing... I never have been... Without fail he always makes me cry, always snaps at me, and is always so secrative... I mean I'd be more then happy to just get into a relationship wiht himandmake things be all even and everything like that, but for some reason he just won't... And I don't know how much longer I can handle all of this.

On the next note, there is this guy that I met that is so nice... We've been hanging out quite a bit, and just chillen and watching movies... And I've been ahving an awesome time. He is so sweet, and he always makes my day... calling me gorgeous, beautiful or whatever... Like last night for instance I texted him when someone made me cry and his automatic response was"I want to give you a hug.... you should never cry." And granted maybe that seems like a line, but this guy seems real for some reason...even though I know I say that a lot about almost every other new guy...but this guy actually took a while to kiss me... and he actuallyshowsme that he respects me.... And I lvoe that feeling.

The first guy used to call me gorgeous, tell me I was beautiful and all of that... but now he doesn't anymore. And he makes it seem like I am just becoming a bother to him... and I wish I could just leave and never come back.... like I say I always will do but I never end up doing that. I always turn back and go right back to him even though I know that sooner then later he will make me feel like shit. I always tell myself that thats it... I'm just going to take all my siht and get the hell away from him for a while and make him see what he is missing... Make him see how he is treating me... and more then anything make him see that I am gorgeous...

Why do I need him to see that other people think I am gorgeous? Because he apparently doesn't think that I am all that hott... and I guess I am just not that physically attractive to him. But this other guy always tells me that I'm gorgeous... and I don't even have to go all dressed up.IN fact most of the time I just show up when we hang out wearing sweats or something.... He's never seen me all dressed up but he likes me for who I am... and thinks I'm attractive no matter what... and I like that!

Anyways, I'm going to go out of this thing for now... just felt like venting... Who knows maybe today I'll have the guts for once just to grab my shit and leave...not stay with him for once.... We'll see though!
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Current Music:Ne-Yo "Sick of Love Songs"
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Subject:Back from Basic...
Time:11:18 am
Current Mood:hungryhungry
Well everyone... obviously I am back from basic now. Let me just say that it was one hell of an experience... No, it wasn't that hard, but it was an experience that I'll enevr forget! I met some awesome ass people in basic, and the sad part is I may never see them again..... But they were with me through the times when I struggled most and could not turn to my family or normal friends.... so for that I thank them. I'll never forget them!

Next, tech school! Wow! That was another blissful experience. It was so much fun though! And again I made some awesome friends but I know exactly how to keep in touch with them... Air Force Global! ANd not to mention since we're all Porters I'll probably see them again some time or another in my Air Force career.

Since I've been back.... yea for those of you that idn't know I'm stationed at Travis! And NO,I'm not a preservist (reservist)... I'm active duty! I just got stationed back at home. How random is that? LOL! Join the Air Force to se the world and come back home! I guess I can't really complain too much becasue my sister is here so I get to se my best friend of all times whenever i want!!! YAY!

Anyways, in other news.... been doing a lot of aprtying! YaY!

FTAC sucked ass! Thank goodnes it's done! Though I did meet some cool ass people in FTAC! So I guess I can't complain there.

Who knows what's up with me and Cupcake.... he always says he likes me... and things are going great, yet we have a relationship but we don'r... What the hell is that supposed to me? Is it like an open relationship? I'm now white (no offense.... seriously!) I don't know what the hell an open relationship is.... and most asian/ p.i./ african american people I know don't know what it is either. I'd never heard of it until I was talking to eric campbell one time.... hMmMmMmMm....

All I know is that I'm not waiting around anymore. I'm too good for any of that shit! It's not worth my time. I gave up so much because he said he wanted me... well if you want me then you better take me now! After talking to my sister she has finally made me realize that I can get someone else... and also that I am gorgeous just the way I am! So.... if he doesn't think that I'm pretty... well too EFFing bad! Other people do, and when they have me and he doesn't... well oopsy! I came back one too many times for him! And this is his last chance... so we'll see what he decides!

Hope you guys have an awesome day! I must be going now because the chow hall is open and I'm starved!
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Subject:What am I cAnDyLaNd or something?
Time:01:17 pm
Current Mood:discontentdiscontent
Why is it that everyone loves to play games? I don't understand what it is that everyone loves to play games with me... And what's more then that? Eveyr single one of them like to play wiht my heart... And me being as stupid as I am... I let them. I always end up being the one who is more hurt.

I finally think that things are going my way... That things are going to start looking up... Then the unexpected happens and something else enters the picture... And just like that I end up caught in the midst of other line of fire. Once again leaving me unsure of how things are going to go....

(Just to make my day even more shitty... my car will not be done today... Just my luck huh?)

In the end I end up leaving people behind and leaving them out of the picture either because they just took to long, made it seem as if they did not like me, or I was just not into them in that sense....

Sometimes I wonder why exactly I start liking a person if I can drop them so easily once someone else comes along... then it appears to me that I really only liked them becuase I wanted a boyfriend.... And the ones who I forget about so quickly are the ones who really like me....

The ones on the other hand that i really start to like.... well they don't like me in that sense.... They make it seem like they do for a while, they make me feel like I am gorgeous... they make me feel beautiful... They make me feel like they really do like me... And what happens in the end? All of a sudden without warning I'm not all that to them anymore.Somehow they forget about me so quickly like I was just some spur of the moment pick up... Just when I think I might actually have something good... I realize that something happened somewhere in the process and suddenly I am dropped like a bad habit....

Suddenly the one thing that was making me feel gorgeous, and like I was worth something is the one thing unknowingly making me feel like shit. The one thing that makes me cry... The one thing that makes me feel like I am exactly what certain people tell me I am! I apparently am not what you made me fele like I was.... I am what everyone else tells me I am!

The one person who I thought would be completely different from all the rest was not. Just like everyone else was just playing games with my heart just like I am Candyland.

All the little things... the one things that I thought were special were not that to you... All those little things meant so much to me... I was feeling that for once I just might have something that was different. I felt like for once I might have something special that made me fele like I was special...

Somehow though I don't understand how you can go from treating me like I am something great one night to making me feel like I am nothing the next day.... What exactly did I do? I barely even talked to you in those point and time periods.. Or is it becuase you found something that was better... you found something that you decided was more worth your time?

Or then again maybe it's becuase I scare you just like I do most guys... Why? I guess theydon't like that fact that i am so tall. If I could help it.. I would... but I can't! I didn't ask to be this tall.... If I could be the short little petite thing... then I would. But I can't! Or maybe it's becuase I am joining the Air Force. Apparently this is a problem to most guys. Though I don't know why... I am trying to get somewhere witt my life... I am trying to make something of myself....

Or maybe it's the fatc that i am strong individual with intelligance and most guys would rather talk to a brick wall.... Or maybe it's becuase I have a direction set for my life. Maybe it's becuase I know that I have goals that I myself want to accomplish....

In all honest I don't understand... but whatever it is... I am the one here hurt yet again.... I am the one here who is crying wondering exactly what's going to happen, trying to decipher what is really going on in your mind. Or maybe you really do like me and I am just oging way too deep into things... Either way i wish I knew but I don't. The onyl thing I know is that suddenly while you were so interested in me... when you called me before I got the chance to call you.... When you texted me the sweet little things... Suddenly in just the point of a day you stopped all of that... I'm so lost and confused... but I wish I knew... But i don't... SO I end up sitting around hurt... trying to see what's going to happen!
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Current Music:3 Doors Down- "Let Me Go"
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Subject:i cRy, tHeN i sMiLe...
Time:07:14 pm
Current Mood:hopefulhopeful
Well.... last night was a pretty good night. It managed to start out like shit though...

Let's see, I told my dad I was staying the night out... and he had to bitch and yell at me telling me that the only reason him and Jamie broke up was because of me.... Yea, I don't think so! I will not take responsibility for her being how she is...

Anyhow, I got off of work early, and managed to make it to Ashlei's on base by 10pm.... Just in time for Taps. So, we all know that that made me happy. Hearing taps!!! Don't ask why I have a weird facination with the song, I just do! Went up to change and then ended up in our usual spot with some Bacardi Raz and Mikes Hard.... yAy! Good stuff!

Anyhow ended up talking about some things that managed to happen at one point a while abck... And then heard the one other person it concerns say it was a mistake..... nice to know that I was a mistake huh? YeA. Tell me about it! I know we do things that maybe shouldn't happen, but calling someone

I was a little hurt by that... And i ended up outside in my car crying to the bestest guy frined in the entire world..... Josiah... He always listens to me and he is always there to talk to me at 3AM... After that the guy who called me a mistake came out and we tal;ked about it... and I'm not going to say it was forgotten... That's just not really possible... but it was let go... So we're all okay now I guess.... It was really just a misunderstanding... And the end result, well we are not going where we both wanted to go int he begining... I tihnk it's a little too late for that... but we are cool!

I ended up ahving a really awesome night after that! What can I say... Guys that amke you feel like you are gorgeous are awesome! Am I smitten? Getting there! This guy tells me I am beautiful... even right after I woke up, he said wow your hott even when you first wake up... I felt like something truly special right then and there. no one has ever said anything like that ever to me. Someone who thinks I am hott in just warm ups... Someone who accepts me for me... What will come of this? i have no idea yet! I hoping good will come out of it though... I like where things are headed... so I guess I just have to be aptient and see hwere things go...

Anyways I just wanted to write a ltitle it... I'm off to go wash my car now...

And right before bed last night... my song played.... and when I woke up this morning... my song as on again.... "Let Me Go"... Such mine and aLi-Lei's song.... OoOoH yEs! HyPhY!
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Subject:NeVeR WiLL i Be eNoUgH
Time:06:18 pm
Current Mood:crushedcrushed
So apparently I got the biggest realization last night and it carried over to today. I guess I'm not pretty... I might be someone that guys find gorgeous on the inside... but apparently no guy will ever find me gorgeous on the outside as well. And yes the inside is what matters more.... but I still want to be pretty on the outside. I still would like to turn heads and have people say, hey she is pretty... she is gorgeous... she is hott... or whatever of that sort!

I have come to the conclusion that I will never be like Jessica Simpson or Paris Hilton.... Why? becasue I don't have the blonde hair, i dont't have the body type... But guess what... I'm also a hell of a lot taller then Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton.... And I'm not white.... I'm Hawaiian! So NEWSFLASH for you people out there... Would you really want a girl who is 6 feet tall that weighed 100 lbs? i think that would be disgusting.... And in case you didn't realzie Hawaiians are not all that naturaly skinny. We are healthy... And I'm a volleyball player... I ahve muscles!!!!!

And do you knwo what's more? I would rather be healthy looking as apposed to being skrawny. I'd rather have some muscles then look like I'm deathly sick... And I am proud to be Hawaiian!!!!! I am proud of my heritage... But apparently that's not good enough.......

I guess I will never be pretty in your eyes. Sure you say that it doesn't matter... But you certainly are never supposed to tell a girl that she's not pretty... Especailly if this is the girl that you are supposed to like... Right when I think you are different from everyone else you ahve to tell me that physically I'm just not that pretty.....

I'm sorry that I am not looking like Jessica Simpson... I am sorry that i am not what everyone in this world seems to want.... I am sorry that I can't be perfect....

But you know what? I am me.... I am Alohalani... and I am Niki!!!! I can not be anything other then that!!!!

I may not be able to be Jessica Simpson or Paris Hilton but do you knwo what I am?

*a sister
*a cousin
*a friend
*a leader
*Hawaiian
*Tall
*I dance Hula
*I play volleyball
*I am strong*I'm going Air Force

Now answer me this... Are Jessica Simpson and Paris HGilton willing to join the military to protect the freedoms that you love and want? NO THEY ARE NOT! Am I? Yes... that's why I'm going Air Force. Do Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton have the dark hair and blue eyes? No..... But I DO! Did either one of have a full ride division one scholarship? NO.... I DID!!!! And are either one of them really going to marry you adn take the time to know the real you? NO... They won't.... So... now think about it. To compare me to Jessica Simpson and paris Hilton, is that really fair? I mean after all we are way different people and live in two completely different worlds.... So are you being fair?

I guess you were right... you may never find someone wonderful... the best if you have to keep your Jessica Simpson standards....

But... how are you being fair????
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Current Music:How Could This Happen To Me
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Subject:Thoughts all boggled up...
Time:03:52 pm
Current Mood:confusedconfused
Okay... So yesterday was the 4th of July. Went as normal to watch the parade in Fairfield. Kinda nice watching it for once. Usually I am in Hawai'i for the 4th and if I'm not there then I am walking in the Parade... So it was nice to sit and watch! I enjoyed seeing the Air Force marching in it. Call me crazy but I liked that aprt. Couldn't help but think that soon that will be me...

Anyways... after that i came home and layed down for a little bit because my abck was hurting... And then I went to go and get John... HuaHhHh. I actually used his first name! A bigillion points for me. YaYo. We came and got my sister and Kelso and went to get Ashlei... then to get Alana. And we fit everyone in my car! Crazy fun that was! Then we went to the Marina and walked around. I enjoyed myself imensley! The onyl part that sucked was watching the fireworks. Alana went with her boyfriend for that part... It's sad watching the fireworks with no one... especially when you look around and realize that "hey I'm not at Home..." I'd much rather be in Hawai'i for the 4th of July on the beach... with family.... knowing that I am where I belong.

Point aside. It was fun none the less. And I enjoyed being there with my Sissy (the one person whom I love in this world more then anything...), Ashlei (my other lil Sissy! Who is someone who knows me just about as much as aLi Lei), Alana (my "Twin", who I miss hanging out with) Kelso (just like another Sister...)and John (who is one of my newest...but closet friends)I got to spend the 4th of July with people whom I care about....

So now here I am sitting at home contemplating many things... Firstly where my life is headed at this point and time... I have decided to join the Air Force. and personally I couldn't be happier with that choice. The thing is I don't know if my family is Happy with that choice... I know my mom is NOT... and as much as I would like to say it doesn't bother me if anyone supports me, it does! This is my family... And I want to know that they support me! I need their support!

Next... I am confused on what I want. I like to think that I am so happy being single... but in honesty I don't know if I am! I mean I like being able to be single and party... but then again I miss not having a boyfriend. And not to mention I am confused at who I like. Why? Well there was this guy that I didn't think I liked... but after hanging out with him more and more... and getting to know the real him I think I am starting to like him. But he is such an awesome friend I don't want to mess it up!!! But he really is a genuine guy! And he's someone that makes it apparent that he really cares for me, even if just as a friend. So, am I supposed to make things known? or keep it closed since I still don't know exactly what I want. And sice I don't know what I want it's certainly not fair to be with someone if you are confused on yourself... right? And then there is the fact that i might like someone else. Someone that I don't think anyone else is aware of... Someone that pretty much no one else even knows.... I am just confused! But the first guy is so sweet. I mean I have never watched the sunset with anyone in Cali before. And it was so nice! And he just makes it known that he genuinely cares about me... And I can open up to him... I open up to him more then I do Desmond... and he cares! He listens!

Nothing really new going on over here... Well aside fromt he fatc that my back is still killing me... And I still ahve yet to go get it checked out. I'm way to scared to do that! I hate going tot he doctors alone... I know I need to... But I can't get the courage to! But the afct that not even 1200 Mg of Ibuprofen does anything isn't good. 1200 Mg and it still hurts like a muther! And I like to think I have a pretty high tolerance for pain... I know I do.... but this is defianetly too much pain! I dunno.... Last time I went to the doctors about a month ago they said it was nothing... I'm not so sure of that! It's hurting way too much to be nothing don't ya think?

I guess this is really long now. And i ahve opther things to get done! Comments are needed... Well advice on anything listed in here at least!!! Thankx for reading...
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Subject:Air Force
Time:01:38 am
Current Mood:tiredtired
So.. I know I ahve not been here in daym near forever.... but I just figured that I should post here for all you to know what I am up too.... I have decided to join the Air Force. I knwo a lot of people said they don't see me in the Air Force... but I have thoguth it out...and this is ewhat i want to do... So anyways here is the latest blog that i posted on my mysapce that have my reasons on it....


Since most people say they can not really "see" me in the Air Force (Military) I thought that I would post my reasons why I am joining... just so everyone knows that I'm not just joining to join.....

10 Reasons for Joining the Air Force

1) I already did the college thing. And when it became evident that i was only there so I could play volleyball I figured that now might be the time to try someting new.... have a new experience....

2) I'm 19 and Single.... And I want to travel and see the world... Why not do it now why I am young. And why not make traveling part of my job.... I want the oppertunity to visit places like Thailand, Guam, Korea, Spain, Italy... Why pay bank for it when I can do it for free.

3) I don't ahve the money to pay for my college. It's hella expensive. And since I hurt my shoulder there is no way that i can get another volleyball scholarship! I gave up that oppertunity already for being what I thought was "in love." Taking the G.I. bill with the Air Force gives me money for school!

4) Why spend 5 years training to do something in the outside workd when there is no guaruntee that you will get the job.... Why not have a secure job with a steady paycheck?

5) Getting away! I've been in Fairfield damn near my whole life. I'm tired of this place. I'm tired of some of the people here... and I'm tired of the childish bullshit that people like to pull here... True it may be the same elsewhere but you neevr know until you try! Air Force gives me the chance to get away...

6) New Start... Joining the Air Force will give me the oppertunity to start fresh! A new life! New beginings... I want to start fresh and start a "new life"

7) Meeting new people!!!! Why not get to meet people from all over.... make new friends from everywhere.....

8) Medical and Dental... I get full Medical coverage. no cost fro any surgeries that I may have to have while I'm enlisted. The Air Force covers me... with no cost to me....

9) When I decide to live off base... I get a base housing allowance that will help pay for my rent... What other job gives you extra money for your rent? Aside from other Military branches.... I can't think of any!!!

10) How many Americans can honestly say that they took the time to protect and serve our country? I want to be one of the few that can say that "yea, I took a couple of years of my life to serve my country... and while I was there I got college credits, and job skills."



So... there are 10 of my reasons for joining the Air Force. But... now I have a question for all of you... Why do you not see me in the Air Force? Do I not seem like a type of person that can make it? A bunch of peopl that know me or know of me say that they could never see me in the military!

Do I really look like this little prissy girl who deos nothing but worry about hair and makeup? Do I really act like this little girl who can't handle her own? I honestly didn't think i was like that! But by what people are telling me now I'm not so sure!!! It makes me think that everyone looks at me as this high maitenance girl that is completely obsessed with her hair and make up.

I like to think I am the opposite. I don't consider myslef a high maitenance girl. It take me and hour to get ready adn that's because I spend 30 minutes in the shower... And most people should know that more then half the time I wear my hair up just because I am too lazy to straighten it. I only wear make up when I knew I am going to go out... I play volleyball like 24/7. O am more into my import cars then looking pretty! I have a loud mouth. And I will be the first one to kick someones ass if they fuck with my frineds or family. My best friend even calls me the definition of HyPhY. Am I really all that wrong?

So... comments please... And also why do people not see me as the type of person that can make it in the military? And of course your thoughts on females in the military......
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